I havent had a whole lot of time for Newgrounds, or the internet in general recentley as i have had a bit of pressure put on me by my publishing agent. As some of you may know i write short stories and have done for many years now. Recentley a friend read some of my work and said i really should look into publishing, i wasn't sure but thought "what the hell" i havent got anything to lose so i looked around and came across a good agencey and applied.

To my surprise they agreed to publish some of my work and were really into my stuff. So i told them the outline to a new Sci-Fi/Thriller novel i had going and we agreed that this would be what they would publish.

They got me a deal with Waterstones, a artist for the covers and acess to editors!. I couldent ask for much more. I got writing and really got into it but then it started to go downhill a little. I have hit a wall and everything i write now i re-do a hundred times and i still feel it sounds rushed. I cant get any new fresh ideas to add to the story so I'm throwing in old cliches. I have to have something solid in six weeks for my next meeting with the publisher or im in trouble.

I have a lot riding on this book deal and now is not a good time to have writers block! I keep reading through the pages i have already finished and i hate everything i have written, i know i shouldent hate my own work but i just cant see it being any good. I have given copies of what i have so far to only the closest friends and family and they all say it is great and that i should carry on, but i always think people say that because they dont want to upset you. Like when your draw a crappy picture as a kid and your parents tell you it's amazing and put it on the fridge knowing that it's just a bunch of scribbles in different colour pens!

With everyday the meeting draws nearer and even though i dont need the book finished i need at least 80% done and i am only at around 60%. This panic's me and because I'm paniced i feel whatever i write is rushed and just simple poor writing. I really want this to work but it feels so different to when i started the project. At the beginning it was fun and i had everything in my head and just wrote it down. Now i just sit staring at a blank page on my laptop waiting for something to pop into my head. I push myself to write and that shouldent be the way it happens.

I should be writng this book because i want to and because i think i have a good story too tell. It just feels like a chore sometimes. I look everywhere for inspiration but find nothing. I have been watching movie after movie for a spark but nothing comes. I feel i want to just delete the file but i know i cant.

I know when this is done and the book is written, edited and ready for sale that i will look back on this and laugh. It's just getting to that point that's the hard part. I guess nothing good is gained without a little hardship along the way.

With that out of the way i also have something else on my mind. Now i know NG is not the most caring of communities and if i get bad comments i dont care as they can be deleted. I have a issue with my left eye, i wont go into details but i need to see a specialist at the hospital on the 24th of this month. Anyone who knows me knows that i have a huge fear of hospitals and have been in and out of them a lot the last few months due to a major foot injury. So just when i thought i was done with the places, life slaps me again and sends me back.

I'm scared of what the doctors are going to say, one of my biggest fears in life (besides hospitals) is losing my sight, so when i found out i had a problem with my eye i freaked out. My dear old mum knows someone who's neice had the same issue and all that she had was a small op and it was fine so in the back of my mind i know that there is very little to worry about but i can't help but feel sick when i think about it.

I hope when i next post i will have better news, but untill then i guess i just have to wait and see.